Friday, February 10, 2012

Drip by Drip

I thought it would be different, this business of God restoring joy to my life.  I thought He would deliver it in a package. I’d run to the door as the brown truck pulled away to find a sparkling present labeled “Joy for Settle”. “It’s here!  It’s here!” I would squeal as I ripped through the cardboard.  Or maybe joy would come pouring through the roof while I played trains quietly on the floor with Jack and Duncan.  I imagined sitting on the couch with Jeff at the end of another long, hard day and that mid-conversation my face would light up and Jeff would be blown away by joy’s powerful presence in me once again. I didn't know how God would bring joy back, but I knew its arrival would be grand and I would definitely be surprised. I guess I assumed that because it had been wiped away so suddenly, without warning, without preparation, that He would bring it back with the same vengeance.  I expected Him to knock me over with joy the same way I’d been knocked over with pain. And until that great arrival, I would sit and wait.

But today I’m not so sure.  Today I’m wondering if perhaps the return of joy looks more like water dripping down from a broken faucet.  I’m finding that joy’s drips are smaller and less consistent than I had expected.  And wouldn’t it be nice if God fixed that faucet and instantly water came rushing into my glass, filling it without the waiting and without the thirst?  Yesterday I would have answered “yes”.  But today I’m not sure that there isn’t profound beauty in the thirst born of this waiting.  That drip by slow, painful drip, God is filling this cup. And perhaps that is what this business of restoring joy is all about, the waiting and the thirst.  Could it be that the only time God knocks us over with true joy is when He calls us home?  Today this is what I believe.  For when we are home, He promises that our cups will not just be filled, but will overflow (Psalm 23).  And until that day or that night when God does call me home, may He bring joy back in, drip by slow, painful, beautiful drip.         

Jack and his buddy Chesson- drip

My baby Duncan- drip

This man- drip, drip, drip...